Pumpkins Anyone?

Me: I also want to go to the pumpkin patch.
Sister: I'll take you to the free one... Well it's not free, it's for donations, so that equals 700 pumpkins for $5.00
Me: . . .

I’m cheating on your mother with this cupcake.
My Dad

Skull Print Scarf

Friends' relative: Why are you wearing that? Skulls are so depressing.
Friend: You're depressing, shut up.

I sleep with reckless abandon.
Link (Good Mythical Morning)

Moms’ got enough dollar bills in the bottom of her purse to put a stripper to shame.

Passing notes

S: I like your boots.
G: I like your boobs.

What’s with all the fucking grapes?

Birthday Wishes

Me: Can I have this for my birthday?
Sister: No. Your turning 18. I'm taking you to a strip club.
Me: *screams back as she walks away* But I don't want to go to a strip club, I want a music box!

My gaming skills ended with Mario Brothers and Nintendo 64 Diddy Kong Racing.